The Panic of 2008
From TeeVeePedia, the Internet TV Encyclopedia.
The Panic of 2008 is a Very Special Episode of the 2008 Campaign! season. Developed after disappointing ratings for the Campaign! spin-off series 2008 Presidential Debates, The Panic of 2008 was broadcast simultaneously by CNN, CNBC and Fox News Channel.
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Origin of the Panic
Since the network's founding, cable channel CNBC has had a hard time getting an audience. Despite a format that includes endless reruns of NBC shows, nearly as many on-screen graphics as CNN Headline News, and loads of infomercials, CNBC historically has never lived up to rival networks CNN and Fox News Channel. In 2008, CNBC network brass decided to change that by airing the network's first original show, The Panic of 2008.
Wall Street Blues
Most of CNBC's graphics are based on the activities in and around Wall Street, the unofficial name for a floating craps game held daily in New York City. Using Dungeons and Dragons dice, the Dow Jones gang comes up with a number between 0 and 10000; this number is then randomly added to or subtracted from the previous day's total. Supposedly, this predicts America's economy for the next 3 days, depending on how Congress is feeling that week.
CNBC line producers infiltrated the game and substituted loaded dice for the usual loaded dice. This caused Wall Street to fall into a long losing streak, a fact that CNBC on-air personality Jim Cramer consistently yelled about in his dramatic series Mad Men. While most viewers ignored Cramer's ranting, influential swing voters paid attention to every word. Because of this, Mad Men was awarded an Emmy for "Most Overly Dramatic Series of 2008".
Copycat Shows
After the Emmy win, The Panic of 2008 became a sudden success. Unfortunately, CNBC was unable to capitalize on the show. CNN and Fox filed lawsuits claiming that The Panic of 2008 was based on the H. G. Wells show Panic of 1907 and therefore was in the Public Domain. The Supreme Court agreed, thanks largely to a generous donation by Rupert Murdoch to the Supreme Court Building Renovation Fund.
More problems occurred when CNBC erroneously reported that the Russians had invaded Georgia. This report led to oil shortages and bank failures. CNBC's rating reached record levels, causing CNN and Fox News Channel to follow suit. Within days, the rival networks began reporting on one "financial crisis" after another and discussing "market crashes", "bailouts" and "rescue plans". None of the networks had a clue as to what they were talking about, but since viewers didn't either ratings began to soar.
George W. Bush Enters the Fray
Alarmed by the yelling from the TV and unable to take his usual afternoon nap, President George W. Bush offered a $700 billion reward to "anybody who can shut that Mad Men guy up". Despite the obviously satirical tone of the request (since not even Bill Gates has that kind of money to burn), Congress voted on whether to divert some of the funding for The Iraq War to the dice masters of Wall Street. Initial attempts failed, but Congress forced the issue by bringing up bill after bill supporting Wall Street and The Panic of 2008. In speeches broadcast coast-to-coast over C-SPAN, both Republicans and Democrats vowed to continue introducing bills until one actually passed, and then never discuss the issue again. This strategy worked, and soon Wall Street was awarded a $700,000,000,000 check courtesy of their Uncle Sam.
Bear Attack!
There wasn't much time to celebrate, however, as The Great Ursine Menace once again reared its ugly head. Attacking from a secret cave located in Central Park, a pack of bears wreaked havoc over Wall Street. The financial "panic" turned into real panic as would-be investors ended up losing their shirts, as well as anything else not bolted down. Attacking almost every day (but not on weekends), the bears soon turned what had been a victory into the Worst Week Ever.
One positive came out of the attacks though. The footage of bears running wild through the streets of New York turned out to be very popular. Despite the physical danger to financial reporters and commentators, CNBC received its highest rating ever, nearly beating Friday Night SmackDown! on MyNetworkTV.
The Panic of 2008 ends
With the election of President Barack Obama in Sweeps 2008, The Panic of 2008 ended. However, audiences demanded a sequel to the popular show. As a result, the Detroit Red Wings were pulled from their long-standing roles on Hockey Night in Canada and asked to appear in a new series, Bankrupt or Bailout? This show, aired on CNN, CNBC and the Big Three Network, proved to be nearly as popular as its predecessor even despite the lack of bears.
