President Ronald Reagan

From TeeVeePedia, the Internet TV Encyclopedia.

Ronald Wilson Reagan (born Feb 1911, put into suspended animation June 2004) aka Captain America, aka Superman, aka Jehovah, was the 40th president of the United States and the greatest American ever born. Ever. Even greater than John Wayne. If you do not agree with that then kindly shut your computer off and shoot yourself in the head, you lowborn Communist coward. In addition to having a career in Hollywood at a younger age, Ronald Reagan is a significant TV name for the simple fact that he holds the record for the president that has pre-empted more prime time television shows than any other president. Ever. Reagan was famous for his no-holds-barred attitude on both foreign and domestic issues, bluntly saying what the American public wanted to say but didn't. Examples taken from old news reels:

USSR: "Bow to mother Russia you yankee pigs!"

Reagan: "Suck it."

USSR: "You win! We tear ze wall down!"

Reagan: "Fuck the poor."

The Poor: "You are cruel and unjust, Reagan!"

Reagan: "Suck it, poorboy. Get a job."

The Poor: "You win! We'll get jobs!"

Air Traffic Controllers: "We're on strike! Give in to our demands!"

Reagan: "Suck it. You're fired. Then suck it again."

Ronald Reagan, to quote biblical patriarch Abraham, "Gets shit done." In the 1984 Presidential Elections, Reagan defeated Nazi Party nominee Walter Mondale in the largest landslide victory ever. Ever. Reagan took 49 of the 50 states, then in his worldwide televised victory speech he stated "now that's what you call a good old fashioned California ass-whoopin'. Suck it Mondale, and your dyke running mate too."

America Without Ronald Reagan

In 1988, Reagan refused to be elected Grand Supreme Uber Dictator of the Entire World For Life, much to the anguish of the rest of the world. Reagan, who was by now aging rapidly, knew that "for life" meant about 10 more years for him, and that it would be better if he faked Alzheimer's Disease and simply went into suspended animation and re-awakened when America desperately needed him once again. His body is currently under heavy guard deep within a mountain in Colorado. Reagan's last words to the American people were:

"My fellow Americans, I leave you a strong nation. A proud nation. But that can not last. Call on me again when your whiney liberal children turn this great nation into a country of pampered little faggots." CNN reported last week that preliminary preparations are now being implemented for Reagan's great awakening which should happen in January of 2009, right after the 2nd greatest president of all time steps down.

A Brief Timeline of Reagan's Life

• 33 AD: Ronald Reagan is crucified for the sins of humanity.
• 325: The first Council of Nicaea is formed to discuss the exact nature of Reagan's divinity.
• 1980: Reagan is elected president of the United States.
• 1981: John Hinckley, Jr. attempts to assassinate Reagan. Reagan's response to Hinckley: "Suck it, fanboy."
• 1989: Reagan enters a stasis chamber.