Battle of the Network Stars

From TeeVeePedia, the Internet TV Encyclopedia.

Battle of the Network Stars (1976 - 1988) was a semiannual television special where television stars of the three major networks (NBC, ABC, and CBS) battled each other in physical challenges, races, relays, and gladitorial fights to the death. Some of the contestants throughout the years were Lynda Carter, Telly Savalas, Jimmie Walker, Sonny Bono, Jamie Farr, Todd Bridges, and any other TV celebrity whose career was in the process of going down the toilet drain leaving skid marks on the way down, or anyone whose level of fame was currently at 14:45 minutes and counting. The show was hosted by Howard Cosell, otherwise known by his more popular name, Jesus Christ.

It is important to note that master sorceror and 16th level Dark Necromancer Doug Henning participated in the first Battle of the Network Stars but was quickly disinvited from subsequent Battles after polymorphing the entire ABC team from humans into barely-intelligent hues of the rainbow during the tug-of-war contest. Only one member of that ABC team still exists: Lynda Carter, now just a magnificent shade of magenta, last seen hovering over Lake Ontario. To quote Master Henning, "I don't see what the big deal was. It was a tug of war. There are no rules in war. Only magic."

Some Highlights through the years:

• Telly Savalas defeating Kristy McNichol by jabbing a lollipop into her trachea during a 1977 cage fight.

• Skip Stephenson defeating Robert Urich in the 1500 meter dash in 1981. Skip broke the 1500 meter record by strapping a highly volitile Peter Billingsley to his back. Billingsley had been dipped in liquid LSD, covered in Sterno jelly, then set aflame.

• Valerie Bertinelli and Melissa Gilbert fighting to a draw when a swimming competition turned ugly and escalated into a hot-oil fight. Both had their careers destroyed as a result when their "goody-goody" images were irrevocably shattered, compounded by the fact that Valerie had a third nipple and Melissa had a penis (uncircumsized).

• Tina Yothers defeating Lorenzo Lamas in 1988 after sixteen grueling hours of bareknuckled boxing. Yothers, in a grand display of mercy, refused to kill Lamas, instead offering his fate to Emperor Conrad Bain who promptly gave a "thumbs down". Yothers responded by ripping Lorenzo's spine out via his rectum.